Seriously – how and why

So the drummer from Cheap
Trick, the hot brother from Hanson, a
former Smashing Pumpkins member
and the guy from Fountains of
Wayne who writes all those catchy
songs for fake bands in movies —
“Josie and the Pussycats,” “That
Thing You Do” — have formed a
band called Tinted Windows.
The questions on the minds of
everyone — literally every single
person alive today in the world — is
how did these people end up forming
a band and why?
I like to imagine that Taylor Hanson,
James Iha, Bun E. Carlos and
Adam Schlesinger all use the same
dry cleaner or shop at the same
Whole Foods, and they keep bumping
into each other until finally
Schlesinger — either holding a pair
of pressed slacks in one of those
clear plastic bags or a handful of barley
flakes — says: “Guys, we’ve got
to stop meeting like this! Seriously,
it’s getting ridiculous now.”
“I know, right?” says James Iha,
picking up dress shirts or pushing a
cart full of cumin. “It’s like, geez, are
you guys stalking me?”
“You wish!” laughs Taylor Hanson,
his flaxen hair catching the light
just so. He really is the most handsome
of the Hanson brothers.
Bun E. Carlos looks around nervously.
He’s not surprised that he
often sees these guys here. Suffering
from socially debilitating insecurity
caused by years of watching his better-
coifed bandmates grace the covers
of Cheap Trick albums, Bun E.
Carlos spends most weekends hanging
around the dry cleaners or Whole
Foods or abandoned buildings.
“In Color” — Robin Zander and
Tom Peterson! “Heaven Tonight” —
Robin Zander and Tom Peterson! “At
Budokan” — Robin Zander and Tom
Peterson! All their best albums. Bun
E. Carlos, standing there, decides
he’s tired of being ignored. Screw
Zander.
“Let’s start a band,” he says.
“I’m sorry,” Adam Schlesinger
looks at him. “Did you just say
something?” Adam Schlesinger had
been laughing at a terrific joke James
Iha had made about white wine and
failed to notice the strange and portly
middle-aged man hovering nearby.
“Let’s start a band,” Bun E. Carlos
says again. Taylor Hanson, Adam
Schlesinger and James Iha look at
each other comically and then begin
to laugh.
“Yeah, because we all have nothing
better to do than start a band with
some total stranger we’ve just met,”
James Iha says, remembering he still
has some khakis he needs taken in or
that he should pick up the ingredients
for the parsnip muffins recipe he’d
clipped that morning.
Taylor Hanson is laughing so hard
his eyes are starting to tear up. Who
is this guy? He turns his head to wipe
his eyes and sees the magazine the
dry-cleaning employee is reading or
one of the weeklies in the racks by
the register. The Jonas Brothers are
on the cover. Taylor Hanson notes
their perfect hair, jet black — the
color of evil. He stops laughing.
“I’m in,” Taylor Hanson says.
“Whoa,” Adam Schlesinger says.
“Things are getting too real, you
guys! I’m meeting with the producers
for the ‘Jem’ movie in half an
hour.”
James Iha is
torn. He still has
a difficult time
not thinking of
himself as
“James Iha:
Asian Guitarist
for the Smashing
Pumpkins.” That
morning he’d
awakened wanting
to make another
solo album
full of gentle, country-inflected pop
songs. He’d even gone to pick up his
acoustic guitar with the intention of
doing just that and saw the Post-It
note he’d placed there 10 years ago:
“Whatever you do, don’t make another
solo album full of gentle, country-
inflected pop songs.”
He’d signed the Post-It: “James
Iha: Asian Guitarist for the Smashing
Pumpkins.”
“I’m in, too,” he says.
Adam Schlesinger looks at all of
them. He can’t join a new band, can
he? He is right in the middle of writing
songs for the Banana Splits
movie … “OK,” Adam Schlesinger
says. “Count me in.”
They all agree to meet at a fair
trade coffee shop in the morning to
hash out the details. As they walk toward
the parking lot together, Taylor
Hanson says, “What do you think we
should name the band?”
“I don’t know,” Adam Schlesinger
says. “But it should be really cool
and memorable so everyone will take
us seriously.”
Jeremiah Tucker writes for The
Joplin, Mo., Globe.