Country music awards: An Attack Dog Stood Close By Taylor Swift
Written by Abel Rodriguez  
Story written: 13 November 2009

Carrie Underwood's legs have been named "The Best Looking Legs In Oklahoma" for the past three years.

NASHVILLE - Nineteen-year-old Taylor Swift captured four music awards. The talented blonde from Pennsylvania won awards for Best Album of The Year, Best Female Vocalist of The Year, Best Music Video of The Year, and the highly coveted Entertainer of The Year.

Swift, whose last name rhymes with 'Money' told hosts Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood that she had not cried that much since she was a little girl and she first found out that the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and Homer Simpson were not real.

During her four acceptance speeches, off to the side and out of the view of the TV viewing audience was a U.S. Army military dog handler Captain Wilmington Ketchwood and his German Shepherd "Mr. Bruiser."

The producers of the show had hired trainer and dog in the event that somehow Kanye West had breached security and gotten into the auditorium.

Actress Nicole Kidman, who looks more like Desperate Housewives' Marcia Cross, than Cross does did not say a word all night. She just sat quietly smiling next to her much shorter and spaced out looking husband Keith Urban.

A lot of people noticed that Marcia, I mean Nicole, was wearing a push up bra that certainly did what it was intended to do. At one point it seemed like Nicole's 'puppies' actually came mighty close to scraping her chin.

LeAnn Rimes showed up wearing a dress that looked like she had gone to several hospitals and bought up all of their gauze and just wrapped it all around her. And her eye makeup looked like something one would find on a promiscuous raccoon.

Someone backstage commented that it was a wonder that she somehow managed to take some time off from her personal 'Playgirl' life to attend the award show.

Due to the Kanye West concern there was a strained moment before the telecast went on the air. Black singer Darius Rucker, who was Hootie in the band Hootie and the Blowfish, was asked to submit to a quick DNA test by the head of security, Nedmond Esperselli.

Esperselli explained to Mr. Rucker that it was just a matter of erring on the side of caution. Rucker said that he understood and asked Mr. Esperselli if he perhaps would also like to see his birth certificate and several credit cards.

Esperselli said that he appreciated the gesture but that it would not be necessary. The Ruck, as his good friend Tiger Woods calls him, then asked Esperselli if maybe he would like to talk to his wife, who happens to be white, and ask her if he is in fact who he says he is, or maybe he might just be Kanye West disguised as her husband and singer Darius Rucker aka Hootie.

Esperselli detected a bit of hostility on the part of Mr. Rucker and he told him to please settle down and not make a scene in front of all the nice 'white folk.'

"White folk?" Rucker shouted out. "Hey how 'bouts me you no good mother effen, cracker, backwoods honky?"

"Now, now, no need to go and get all Rev. Sharpton on me Mr. Hootie." Esperselli remarked.

"Mr. Hootie?" Rucker exploded and he reached out towards Mr. Esperselli, but before he got within two feet of him Captain Ketchwood and "Mr. Bruiser" had gotten between them.

Rucker was told to calm down and go backstage and pour himself a glass of Ripple Wine.

"Ripple Wine?" He screamed.

Black country singer Charley Pride who was sitting up in the back of the balcony and heard the commotion had made his way to where Rucker was sitting.

He told brother Darius to settle the hell down. He then told him that decades ago he was the first black to ever sing country music.

Charley told him of times when he would be booked to play a concert somewhere in the south and there would be more people up on stage than in the audience.

Country Charley told brother Rucker to sit his all excited black ass down and behave hisself (himself). Mr. Pride told him to see where he (Rucker) is sitting and then to look way up to the back of the balcony and see where he (Pride) was sitting.

Charley told Darius Rucker to be nice to the white folk and that the white folk would in turn be nice to him. Pride winked and started making his way back up to the back of the balcony.

Meanwhile on stage Carrie Underwood was talking away while wearing her fourth dress of the evening. She ended up wearing nine dresses and she remarked that she had worn more dresses in just three hours than she had worn her entire senior year at Bubba Sooner High School in Checotah, Oklahoma.

The little blonde cutey from Oklahoma did not win any awards. She was however named the Fastest Clothes Change Artist of The Year.